


Shreklock Homes

by Anamorph



Series: Better than War and Peace [2]
Category: Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle, Shrek (Movies), 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Anal Fisting, Angst, Apple Jax, By Queen Lizzo, Cinnoman toast crunch, Crack, Detective, F/F, F/M, Fishnets, Gen, Graphic Depictions of Lawn Mowers, Hot Flashes, It's BUTTER NOT GOLD, Juice - Freeform, Kellogs frosted flakes, M/M, Multi, Mystery, Other, PB&C is wot I'm thinkin of and it can only be found in my Reese's Puffs, Sad Clowns, Songfic:, That unique taste so creamy with a cronch?, They're Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr8, Trigger warning for use of the word "Smurf", Whats that pair that packs that punch?, bagel daddy, bdsm club, bluntz, cold flashes, flashing in general, froot loops, fruit espionage, improper use of magnifying glasses, improper use of rubber ducks, improper use of vegtable dildos, inaccurate depictions of horse radish, magnifying glasses, medium flashes, my Reese's Puffs, office supply fettish, seriously that shit is thebest, smh only minecraft veterans will kno amirite?, snorting it 2b specific, that dust at the bottom of Xtra Cheddar Flavor Blasted Gold Fish, unicycles, yeehaw, yeet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 07:55:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20653778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anamorph/pseuds/Anamorph
Summary: A case of a missing juul quickly turns into a triple homicide as the cereal killer known to the media as the Autoerotic asphyxiator goes on a murder spree killing everyone from Kellogs to Froot Loops. Will Shrek and Zuku be able to *crack* the case before the murder causes more trouble for Kiri and Bakugo's family friendly BDSM club?An AU to my other fanfic where Zuku is Watson by day and a tempting seductress by nite, Shrek is Shreklock homes and THICC, and bakugou is still gay.





	Shreklock Homes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [memerice](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=memerice).

eavy smoke filled the room, a long drag on a cigar. Cuban, to be precise. The year was 1869, and Shrek rubbed his temples mercesslesly just like I rubbed one out last nite as he pondered over a glass of scotch.

If you looked hard enough, you could make out the faint lines of stress beginning to form just under the corners of his eyes. Peals of giggles could be made out just like i made out with ur mum last night as they echoed from the bathroom, down the hall, and into the living area Shrek was occupying. 

He sighed. Snuffing out the cigar and putting the remaining part back in its box, he mumbled something about "needing the heavy shit" as he produced a large, curved pipe. Smoke was replaced with bubbles; he could finally relax. This case sure was a doosey. And to think how it all began that fine spring morning….

“It’s poureing rein leke a bitch out here,” Shrek stated in his thicc scottish accent as he trudged after Bakugou through the April storm. "HEY, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO GO ON A MURDER SPREE LAST NIGHT IN WHAT SHOULD BE A RESPECTABLE ESTABLISHMENT," Bakugou huffed back. "It wez jest an observetion u lettle shet," Shrek responded. With a huff, Bakubro turned down an alley between two brick buildings and came to stop infront of a small door with a slat in it. Above it, the sign read:

"**KIRIBAKU'S SMASH 'N DASH/EAT & YEET EATERY & BDSM ESTABLISHMENT**"

"That's quite a mouthful ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)," Zuku acutely observed. "IT'S CALLED "COME, UNDRESS, MOUTHFUL" OR "CUM" FOR SHORT," Bakugou Retorted, whipping it out (the key, get ur mind out of the gutter smh) and unlocking the door.

Just then Ururaka called Zuku; he picked up the phone with a, "Yello?" "Hey, Zuku, I was wondering what you're up to," she responded. "Oh, I'm going to CUM," he informed her. "tmi," she said, hanging up.

Before Zuku could wtf, he was inside KiriBaku with Shrek. Kirishima greeted them at the door with a half hearted smile and began explaining the situation to Shrek, but something else caught Zuku's eye. There were several policemen in the building taking comments from Strippers dressed like policemen.

"So you were inside the next room over when it happened?" one inquired.

"I sure was inside something ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)," another responded. 

"Ur under arrest for violation being too smexy," a third said, smirking.

"Jerry, we're supposed to be on the job," the first one replied. 

"Oh I'll be _on the job_," he grinned slowly sinking down to his knees--

"Right this way," Zuku's head snapped from the scene as they were lead away from Kiri and Bakugou by another cop towards the scene of the crime. They walked past the bar and dining area and the small stage singers sometimes performed on, down the corridor of strippers, and into the zig-zag hallways where the private rooms were. The door to the second to last room was open and surrounded by police tape brighter yellow than a radioactive tampoon. "This is where it happened," the policeman (or maybe stripper, who knows) stated. Zuku took one look, and turned away; he had to hold a hand over his mouth to keep from retching all over his Watson costplay. 

Inside the room, froot loops littered the floor and pooled near the exploded top of the cereal box. It looked as if the cereal had been cannibalized, a hole ripped in its front by teeth and crumbs scattered around the cold corpse. The box faded from red to purple around the area it had so obviously been mercilessly squeezed at, and it still had a spiked collar around it's cardboard from before the BDSM play had turned deadly. 

Shrek studied the scene as Zuku steeled himself to the grotesque display. When he had recovered, he joined shrek at his side, who pronounced, "Ouer killer was a Sub, but also a Sadist, and a physical one at that." Zuku looked perplexed. "Sub? wot makes u think that?" he inquired, "doesn't this look like dom work to you?" Shrek shook his head, "Look," he began, pointing, "that leather horse crop shows signs of use, but there are no matching marks on the Cardboard box, which means it must've been used on the keller." "Ferthur," he indicated the box; Zuku cringed, "Euw can see a coller on the box, but there's no chafing, only hend marks, which indicaets the coller wes placed on the box postmortem after the strangulation to mek it look like Froot Loops was a sub, when in fect he wes actuelly the dom. This segests our killer had some issue surrounding his identity as a sub." 

"Wait," Zuku broke in, "how do you know he wasn't just trying to cover his tracks? Lead us off his trail?" "Elementary my Watson-" "My name's not Watson" "-If he was jest trying to do that, he would've made sure the merks on the box matched the merks made by the use of the riding crop, but the overkill with the breath play, whipping & ripping suggests physiological motivation behind the degredetion as opposed to purely logical steps. Although, this kill was clearly premeditated," Shrek concluded.

"How do euw figur dat?" Zuku responded in a Cockney accent.

"He clearly thot this kill thru; picking a room sew close to the back exit and making sure to keep a low profile. Sew far no ones been able to give a clear description of the perpereatior. Weren't euw listening to Kirishima?" Shrek asked, eyebrow raised.

"Uhhhh," Zuku replied nervously as he ooked away, sweat froming on his brow. 

"Actually," the police officer cut in, "someone said they saw Yung Man Jankins hitting on froot loops last nite, though no one could confirm that they saw the two cum back here together."

"We'll have to have a chat wit dis "Yung Man Jenkins"," Shrek stated, "But we also need to take this riding crop to a riding crop inspector, it's not any brand CUM proviedes to their customers."

With that, Shrek turned and began moving past Zuku. "The chase begins."

**Author's Note:**

> stay dank ma dudes


End file.
